Fiction: I'm a 36-year-old mom of two and I fucking love recipes

Occasionally I write stories, letters, poems, etc. for fun. This is one of those things.

I’m a 36-year-old mom of two, and let me tell you, I fucking love recipes. My meticulously curated Pinterest is full of them, divvied up into somewhat specific categories like “Breakfast”, “Healthy Snacks” and “Things I will make when my children suddenly learn to feed and bathe themselves.”

I like to imagine myself in a kitchen that isn’t mine, something French but still modern, one that would make Joanna Gaines pee her skinny jeans. 

And ya know, maybe my kids are there, maybe they aren’t. They wouldn’t be my real kids (love you both!) but the well-behaved, getting along versions of them that I only see when they each have their own popcorn and Paw Patrol is on. Note: neither of those things are allowed in my fantasy kitchen.

Anyway back to the recipes. I am constantly looking for them. They are MY LIFE, despite what my LinkedIn, slightly fit body, and astute knowledge of everything Stranger Things might tell you. Which is WHY I’m soooo thankful that every possible resource and brand is constantly pushing them at me. Thought I’d share a few of my favorites, you know, for fun!

  • Yoplait Banana Caterpillar Kabobs: Almost all brands give me recipes that my KIDS will LOVE, and I cannot get over how well they know my kids’ daily-changing food preferences better than I do. That’s why I love stuff like THIS. Banana and strawberry bodies, pretzel legs, yogurt ligaments, grape heads, and sprinkle eyeballs?? I mean, how can I NOT?! Yoplait categorizes this as a “snacking activity” but I think I’ll definitely be filing this one under, “Soul-Crushing Snack Ideas that make me wonder who has time for this shit.”
  • Kind Snacks Smoothie Bowls: One commenter wrote: “Weird looking... looks liek bugs in soup!” And for a second I thought my five-year-old had secretly made a social media account just to mock me. But guys. I CAN’T RESIST A SMOOTHIE BOWL. Why drink a smoothie when I can dirty twice the amount of dishes and sip it from a spoon?! I do love how KIND’s addition to this smoothie bowl was taking one of their bars and dropping pieces into the bowl. I mean, who eats bars out of the wrapper anymore? Am I right?
  • Wavy Lay’s Spicy, Crunchy Deviled Eggs: Contrary to what you might think, I actually DO have friends over sometimes for get-togethers. And by sometimes I mean once a year, because that's how long it takes to forget what a fucking pain in the ass having guests over is. But this recipe caught my eye exactly for this occasion. Imagine it now: Karen walking up to a plate of deviled eggs, biting into one, and being like, “OH MY GOD, this is so crunchy and spicy. Megan, WHAT IS YOUR SECRET?” I nonchalantly smirk and say, “Hickory BBQ Wavy Lay’s, of course.” Except this would never happen, because when I open a bag of potato chips I usually just eat them. On the couch. Hopefully by myself.

HAPPY RECIPE HUNTING, YA’LL.